The Insane Misadventures Of The 501st
by Tastychainsaws
Summary: A collection of stories detailing the various adventures, shenanigans, and scenarios ranging from Halloween safety lectures to battles against anthropomorphic frog people. All while keeping the spirit of the anime. Suspension of disbelief required.
1. A Friendly Public Service Announcement

**THE INSANE MISADVENTURES OF THE 501****ST**** JOINT FIGHTER WING**

**STORY 1: A FRIENDLY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT**

**Summary: Perrine and Eila have to give a safety lecture to an auditorium of school kids. Eila's 'safety advice', however, spells problems for Perrine and her dignity.**

**Rated: K+**

**Genres: Humor/Parody**

**(Inspired by the Civil Protection episode: Halloween Safety)**

**OCTOBER 27****TH**** 1945, LONDON**

"Why is it _me _who has to do this with you?" Eila Ilmatar Juutilainen asked for what had to have been at least the fifth or sixth time. This time she added, "Why do we have to do this at all?"

"Safety is a very important thing, Eila." Perrine was forced to remind her, then answered her question fully, "If you must know, I was chosen specifically for this because people of Britannia know how good with children I am. I believe you were picked to do this with me because you _act_ like a child."

Eila stuck her tongue out at Perrine as a reply to her comment there. She knew the real reason why they were chosen to give the safety lecture to the kids of that local school. The two of them happened to be in London, and being in the 501st had certainly earned them a bit of fame and reputation amidst the whole western portion of Europe. Eila had woken up that morning to learn that Perrine had volunteered her, since Sanya's nocturnal habits didn't really qualify her for the task. Late morning was more exact, and she had precisely fifteen minutes to get ready and leave with Perrine. If Perrine had her way, she would have had Lynne or, dare she say it- _Yoshika_ help her instead.

They were sitting back stage the school's auditorium, where the 400 hundred kids ranging from ages 11-15 were awaiting their lessons on holiday rising in popularity- Halloween. Now that it was becoming much more celebrated, along with the advent of the notorious mischief night, the local police had wanted to their best to enforce some safety guidelines. Word got around quickly, and the allied forces felt like they could spare a few Witches to explain those rules of safety in various schools. It was great PR stunt on their part too, and most Witches weren't much older than the kids they were lecturing either.

However, they had run into the problem with the 'q and a' part that generally came after the lectures. The only question that ever seemed to be asked was, "Why aren't you wearing any pants?"

Eila didn't quite get it though, because in Suomus they didn't have a holiday where you just went door to door dressed silly with people giving you free sweets. To her, this whole thing was dumb and she didn't understand why Perrine needed a second Witch to help her. Not to mention, she had been trying to spend as much time with Sanya as possible now that the fighting had severely dropped, so her sleep schedule was slowly beginning to match her Orussian friend's. Last night, she had gotten only a couple hours of sleep in and was now feeling tired, cranky, and just a tad bit mischievous.

A school teacher stepped back stage with them from the auditorium, and told them in a polite voice, "Alright, you two can go on now. Do you know everything you're going to say?"

"Yes, thank you." Perrine replied with an equally polite, ladylike bow. Eila simply shrugged, hoping that Perrine wouldn't make her actually say anything. The Gallian Witch glanced at her partner, "Are you ready? Oh, and I feel like I need to ask this too- are you going to behave yourself?"

"Misbehave? Who, _me_?" Eila gave her a devilish grin. Just as they were about to walk on stage, she quickly asked, "Oh hey, Perrine, can I borrow your glasses?"

Perrine stopped in her tracks, "Why would you need my glasses?"

"To look smarter in front of all those kids."

To Perrine, that reply was rather blunt and she really wasn't sure how to respond to that. She kept her calm and gave a curt answer, "No, of course you can't. Don't ask dumb questions, and for that matter, certainly do _not_ bring up that stuff about Ouija board safety. We're supposed to be role-models, so you better not mess this up with any of what I would call your normality."

"But that stuff's important…" Eila scoffed as they walked onstage, "I know people who have had their souls stolen by playing with those things."

They were greeted with a round of applause as soon as they walked up to the single microphone they had to share. The two Witches both agreed that was a pretty nice perk of the job, the level of fame that came with it in public stuff like this. They were sure the fact that they were Witches, the best the defense against the ever present Neuroi threat was the cause of the applause. That or these kids just _really_ liked safety lectures.

Perrine gave a modest blush as the two of them stood with the microphone between them (a little closer together than they would have preferred), "Good afternoon and thank you for the kind applause." She began, as ladylike as she could possibly muster, "I'm Flying Officer Perrine Clostermann of the Forces Aériennes Galliaises Libres 602nd Flying Corps…"

"I don't think they know what that is." Eila whispered to her, too quietly for the microphone to project.

"…and this is my partner Eila." She ignored her.

"Aren't you going to give me a full title?" Eila whispered again.

"No." Perrine whispered back, then spoke into the microphone again in a pleasant, friendly voice, "With Halloween becoming such a popular holiday recently, your school wants us to give you a few tips on how to stay safe while you're having fun. The first thing we want to cover is what to do if a stranger wants you to go into their house while Trick or Treating. This shouldn't be a problem for any of you, but it's always a good idea to make sure your parents can see you at all times. Some people aren't very nice to kids, so make sure your parents can keep a look out."

Eila leaned into the mic and enthusiastically added, "Oh yeah, like that one guy in Liberion who kidnapped and killed like twenty-"

"They don't need to hear about that!" Perrine interrupted her in her same pleasant, ladylike tone. She gave a shaky laugh and saw a bit of confusion in the crowd at Eila's brief statement. Trying not to blush, she went on, "Ha-ha, very funny Eila. Moving along now- Always be careful when crossing the street even if you don't see any cars. If you have a little brother or sister with you, make sure to hold their hand as well. Remember too look both ways too, especially if you're in an area of the city with lots of traffic."

"Did you know that some Witches could survive getting hit with a car?" Eila threw in there.

"Yes, but I don't think anyone in here besides us are Witches." Perrine pointed out with a 'oh-you-silly-person-you' kind of laugh.

"You never know though! I heard that some Witches only find out they have magic during times of severe crises or stress. So if a car hits you, you could accidentally put up a shield and learn that you're a Witch like us! Or maybe you have precognition powers like mine and could even dodge it. If that were the case you'd look _awesome _doing it."

Perrine's pleasant demeanor faded into a scowl, "Eila. Would you please _not_ tell these kids to throw themselves in front of moving automobiles, _please_? I don't think that's what Commander Minna had in mind when she asked me to do this."

"I'm not telling any of you to intentionally get ran over, I'm just saying that maybe there's some good to found in getting hit by a car. Not to mention, I heard also that you can take people to court if they hit you and get a lot of money and-"

The blonde haired Witch grabbed the microphone away from her, "Eila here is just being a little silly, please don't pay attention to what she says." She cringed slightly at Eila's antics, the crowd looking as confused as ever. She sighed and put on her pleasant act again, "Ahem, if you're going out that night with friends and without your parents, please make sure to let them know where you're going to be at. I know it can be a bit of a hassle if you want to just go out and have fun, but your parents love you and want you to be safe."

"Unless they're orphans." Eila said under her breath, "Which is very likely given the whole _war_ thing. You're not being very sensitive to the situation at all, are you?"

"Shut up, you!" Perrine hissed at her, just low enough so that the crowd didn't hear their exchange, "Following up on the topic of your parents. If they give you a curfew, try your best to follow it on Halloween night. If for some reason you can't, find a telephone booth and call them to let them know why you're late. The last big topic we also want to cover is vandalism; it _always_ goes up around Mischief Night."

Eila took back the mic for a moment, "In Suomus we have a saying when it comes to vandalism and throwing eggs and stuff."

"What's that?" Perrine leaned in close enough to be heard.

"_Tulta munille!_" She shouted, then handed her back the microphone. Perrine winced as her voice rose in volume, and frankly didn't want to know what that translated into.

"Being serious now," The blonde Witch dismissed her partner's behavior with a wave of her hand, "Vandalism is a really bad thing, and police will punish you if you're caught. We're working so hard to rebuild after the Neuroi, and making a mess of things isn't helping anyone. A big thing we were told to focus on specifically was _homemade explosives_. I don't know why anyone would think it's funny to blow up a mailbox or break a window, but it's a big problem on mischief night. It's illegal, and you're destroying someone else's property, so just don't do it."

"Not to mention you could seriously hurt yourself if you don't know what you're doing!" The white haired Witch pointed out.

"That's true also." Perrine nodded.

Eila took the microphone from her, "I remember hearing a story about some kids trying to make homemade fireworks, and ended up blowing off their hands! That could happen to you if you tried to do something like that. You definitely want to make sure not to take a glass bottle, fill it with gasoline and sulfuric acid, dissolve sugar and potassium chlorate in boiling water, and mix that and Styrofoam dissolved into the gasoline; because that makes napalm. Make that into a sort of Molotov cocktail and you have a firebomb that could level a city block even before the fire department got word of it. Definitely _do not _do that!"

The entire room was quiet for a full twenty seconds, and even the few teachers in the audience weren't sure how to react to Eila's 'advice'. Perrine felt herself beginning break into a cold sweat, with the feeling of burning embarrassment igniting her cheeks red. The kids in the audience kept completely quiet, except for a few whispering to each other, and a few chuckles here and there.

Perrine yanked the microphone from her partner's hands, "Gee Eila, thanks for sharing that with us…but in the future could you, I don't know, _not tell the people we're lecturing about safety how to make incendiary grenades!_"

"What? I think explosives count as vandalism and that's something we don't want them doing, right?" Eila put on her innocent face, finger on her chin, "I'm sorry, you weren't clear with what I was supposed to do here in the first place. Oh! That reminds me, can I take the mic for a bit to give them my guide on vampire protection?"

"What? No! Vampires aren't even real! You've already said enough!" Perrine shouted at her.

"Hey!" The white haired Witch seemed to take that personally, "Don't take vampires so lightly, you won't believe the kind of trouble they can cause. Ever watch the movie Dracula? My friend Nipa got bit and turned into-"

"No she didn't!" The blonde flying officer snapped at her again, and then quickly tried to get a hold of the situation. She bowed the audience, still blushing like crazy, "Uh, well that's all! Be safe this Halloween and please try not to cause any trouble…or listen to anything my partner said."

She placed the mic back on its stand, and Eila stepped towards it with vampires on her mind. Perrine grabbed her by the wrist before she could, and dragged her off stage in front of an audience full of frankly confused students and teachers.

When they were safely off stage, Perrine instantly exploded at Eila, "How could you do this to me? We were supposed to give a nice lecture about safety and you just sat there telling kids to jump in front of cars, burn London to the ground, and then started babbling on about vampires! People are going to think we're anarchists or something and give us a military citation! The Clostermann family's name is now ruined because of you and what you did out there. I bet they're going to search my room on the base for explosive materials for homemade bombs!"

"Oh please," Eila rolled her eyes, "It's not like I told them how to make nitroglycerin or something. Plus, sulfuric acid is hard to work with, so if they try to make a fire bomb, they'll probably ruin the cap and mess it up."

"What if it burns their skin?" Perrine shouted again.

The white haired Witch shrugged, "Then they'll know not to play with acid. I think that's kind of common sense though. Come to think of it, just about everything last thing you said out there was basic common sense. Vampires, however, are much too cunning to be defeated with common sense."

"Shut up about that! How can you be so calm at a time like this? We're going to get in trouble because of you! I knew I should have just waited until I could get a hold of Lynne, but _noooooo_ I thought I could trust you. Ha! Some mistake that was, I knew lowly insolate brats like you would only cause trouble. If only I had listened to my instinct."

Eila held up her wrist, and feigned surprise, "Well, look at the time, I'm late for sleeping in the rest of the day. Sorry to cut your megalomaniacal rant short there, missy, but I'm a busy woman."

Perrine continued ranting at her as she showed herself the exit.

**THE END (Cue credits and inappropriately placed death metal song)**

_**Author's Notes- **__I pretty much wrote this up all on a whim after being inspired several days earlier after watching Civil Protection's: Halloween Safety. A lot of really stupid research went into this story for things like whether or not Halloween was celebrated in England (Britannia) back then –which it was- and the stuff about making explosives. Also, making an incendiary grenade the way Eila described it doesn't exactly work. At all._

_I hope you guys liked this, and the future minisodes I have planned out for later. Leave a review if you liked it, and feel free to share any ideas with me for later chapters._

**And the thank you for beta-reading this goes to Daemon McRae. Even if I did make numerous corrections myself afterwards.**


	2. You're Just Being Paranoid Part 1

**THE INSANE MISADVENTURES OF THE 501****ST**** JOINT FIGHTER WING**

**STORY 2: YOU'RE JUST BEING PARANOID**

**PART 1 of 2**

**Summary: A simple prank by Eila leaves Erica in a heightened state of panic over something so completely trivial and stupid that it's driving Trude insane. Wanting her to just stop being paranoid about nothing, Trude agrees to accompany Erica to Rome and goes on adventure the two won't soon forget**

**(Note that this story is rather long, so I broke it up into little sections. Don't feel like you have to stomach it all at once)**

**Rated: T for violence**

**Genres: Humor/Parody/Adventure/Supernatural**

**SUMMER TIME 1945, ROMAGNA **

_**Part One- It's Just a Game**_

"Bleh, can't sleep." Erica Hartmann grumbled to herself as she silently stalked the halls of the base well past midnight. The place was like a maze in the dark, and the young Karlsland Witch was finding it a challenge to get a glass of water in the dark. She pulled up her panties, which kept insisting on riding down, and scratched an itch under the loose, gray sleeveless shirt she slept in. As she aimlessly wandered with a vague destination in mind, she couldn't help but wonder if she would be able to trade one of her medals for sleep the next morning. Insomnia was a cruel mistress, and she was willing to make up the lost sleeping time during the day. It wasn't her fault that sleeping in the morning was so much easier!

Something interesting caught her focus as she turned around a corner- a strange, purple light emitting from a cracked door. She realized in her sleepy attempt to make it downstairs to the kitchen, she had somehow ended up on a _higher_ level in the base. Part of her wanted to just level it with explosives, keep the hanger, and sleep in a tent between battles. That seemed like a realistic life style that the others would agree with. Oh, right, the purple mystery light…

Hartmann stepped over to this strange door and peered inside. She had wandered around at night before and never seen purple lights, but then again, she wasn't awake during the early morning hours when any construction was done. Maybe this was the room where they kept their new purple light machine. Erica didn't know why they needed a purple light machine, but then again, she didn't know why anyone needed alarm clocks either. With how much funding the Strike Witches got, it really didn't surprise her that someone like Lucchini would commission something like a purple light machine to do nothing but make purple light. Come to think of it, she hadn't really spent her earnings on much of anything lately. She could probably ask for a raise and then use the money to buy something she really didn't need; like a purple light machine.

After looking inside, she found herself feeling marginally disappointed. It wasn't a purple light machine; it was just Eila with a weird purple glow around her. This was her and Sanya's room, with Sanya gone off on a night patrol. Eila was sitting cross legged on the floor in her pajamas, and it looked like she was playing some kind of board game by herself. Erica knew she was a little weird, but playing a board game, half naked, alone in a purple light was taking it to a new level.

The white haired Witch glared up at her with a look of startled surprise, "Oh, hey Hartmann, what are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep," She answered honestly. "What are you doing anyway? And what's with that purple light?"

The purple light instantly disappeared, as if chased away by her words. Now the room was bathed in silvery moonlight coming through an open window.

"That was just my magic," Eila told her. "I had it going just because I thought it looked neat. You asked what I was doing?"

Erica nodded.

"Oh, I just got this Ouija board delivered from my friends in Suomus," She told her with an excited grin. "This thing is so neat, and you should totally sit and try it out with me."

Hartmann stepped in and took a seat across from her with the weird board in between them. It had the letters of the English alphabet, some numbers, and a strange wooden thing shaped like a triangle with a hole big enough to see a letter through the center. She eyed it with sleepy confusion and asked, "What's an Ouija board? It doesn't look very fun."

The purple light appeared again, except much dimmer as Eila put on a dead serious face and spoke in a harsh whisper, "An Ouija board is a magical tool crafted by expert fortune tellers. It allows us to communicate with the very souls of the departed. In other words, _speak with the dead_."

It was too dark to for Erica to read the 'Hasbro Toys' label printed in the corner of the board. She wasn't sure what to make of Eila's explanation though, or whether or not she wanted to be involved with contacting the dead. Still, the prospect of that did kind of excite her, and she was curious to see whether or not it actually worked. Gulping once, she asked, "S-So, how does it work?"

The creepy voice Eila used was instantly replaced with a friendly one. "Oh, it's simple. We both take one end of the planchette here, and the spirits will guide it from letter to letter to spell out a message."

"Does it really work?"

The junior fortune teller gasped in feigned surprise. "Does it work? Of course it works! How dare you mock the spirits! In fact, you may have just angered them with your haughty doubts."

Erica gasped, now very afraid. "I didn't mean to! How do I say sorry?"

Eila cleared her throat and spoke loudly. "Oh dear departed ones, Miss Erica Hartmann is deeply sorry that she may have offended you. Do you except her apology?"

She placed two fingers from each hand on the planchette, and Erica did the same. The blonde Witch was now shivering from fear and dread that she may have pissed off a ghost or something. Under normal circumstances, she would have dismissed this entirely as a hoax, but right now she was tired and led on by Eila's frightening display.

"It's moving!" Hartmann gasped as the little piece of wood began slowly sliding under her fingers. She didn't notice that Eila was moving it entirely on her own. The white haired prankster put on her most concentrated and serious face as it moved to the first letter- F.

"F…" She read aloud, trying hard not to laugh at Hartmann's nervousness. It moved to the next letter…

"R…"

"O…"

"G…" Eila finished, "Frog. That spells frog!"

Erica's nervousness faded into sheer confusion. "Frog? Why would ghosts say 'frog'? Is it a ghost frog?"

Putting every ounce of her willpower into trying not to laugh, Eila stroked her chin in mock pondering and said. "Hmm, maybe I should draw a tarot card to shed some light on this?"

"Yes, do that!" Hartmann nodded enthusiastically, eager to see the meaning behind this amphibious anomaly. Eila turned around grinning to herself wildly. She hadn't planned on any of this, but this was fast becoming one of the funniest things she had done in weeks. There were three tarot decks she kept, one of which just happened to always have the same card on top for _exactly _an occasion like this. It had sat there for weeks gathering dust, be she knew there would be a moment where she would need to draw this card from this stacked deck.

Eila drew it, and faced Erica with a grim look on her face. She showed her the card, and named it aloud. "_Death_."

Hartmann gasped, biting her nails from fear. Stuttering, she asked, "T-That d-doesn't m-mean what I think it means?"

The white haired death dealer slowly nodded "It does. Hartmann, you're going to be killed by frogs."

"_NOOOOOO!"_

_**Part Two: A Restless Night**_

__After getting her glass of water in a state of panic, Hartmann finally found the way back to the sanctum that was her bed; easily navigating the weaving maze of trash that lead to it past Barkhorn's Siegfried Line. She didn't know what Trude was complaining about, she felt herself a _great _roommate. Even if she had eaten those truffles that Barkhorn really like and kept up on a shelf in their room. Part of her felt bad for doing that since Trude _really_ liked those.

Lying on her back in bed, she tried to comprehend just what Eila had told her, and why nobody had woken up when she screamed. Surely the white haired girl had just been pulling some elaborate or improvised hoax, right? Of course, Hartmann definitely knew that, and she also knew it was probably Eila spelling out that word too. But why 'frog' though? That seemed a little beneath Eila in terms of pranking, and she could have definitely come up with something better than 'frog'. However, Erica remembered something…something that had been stored in the black pits of her subconscious for many years. A horrible, anxiety filled repressed memory that only surfaced in the most twisted nightmares the Karlsland ace had the misfortune to dream. It was an unholy event that scarred her childhood and left her with a secret phobia that rarely surfaced.

It had been a nice breezy, warm summer's day in Karlsland back when Erica and her twin sister Ursula were only six years old. The two of them had saved up their money for ice cream cones, but Erica had slacked off on her morning chores, forcing her sister to go ahead and get hers first. Chores were finished, and the two of them regrouped to go for a walk down the country side since it was such a nice day. Erica purchased her tasty frozen treat, and the two of them marched off with adventure on their minds.

The two of them walked in a line; with Ursula leading her sister to this neat little creek she had found a kilometer's walk away. They pretended they were explorers bushwhacking through the desolate and steamy jungles of Neue Karlsland into the unknown. However, their game became all too real as a blood thirsty beast stalked them from the shadows. The creature hid amidst the cover of a shady oak tree, high amongst its bushy summer branches. It saw the two girls coming from far away, and waited for its cunning ambush.

Unknowingly walking into a trap, the two of them followed the path through the overgrown grass that grew across the hills behind their house. They were walking up a tall hill dotted with lively oaks, and enjoying the view of the country side it gave them. Then the beast made its move.

Ursula cried out in surprise as a rather large frog hopped down from the tree above, landing right on her head. She waved her arms, screaming, and stumbled backwards into her sister.

"Get it off! Get it off! It's icky!" She desperately shouted, falling back and knocking Erica onto the ground as well. As her ice cream splattered against the dirt, the frog leaped to a nearby rock and contently watched the havoc unfold with its demonic little black eyes.

What happened after that was a blur, with both girls now rolling down the steep, grassy hill and ruining their sun dresses because of it. Ursula was still screaming from the surprise of having a frog jump on her head, and Erica was screaming because Ursula was screaming and because she lost her ice cream. They rolled all the way down to a small pond, where a community of equally evil amphibians sat watching. They croaked and ribbited in their foul tongue, enjoying the spectacle of seeing two little girls having their afternoon ruined. Erica sat up from the tumbling fall, still a bit dazed, and was greeted by the sight of all those menacing frogs…sitting…watching… _staring into her soul…_

"Ribbit."

Erica's eyes shot wide open as she heard the sound of a frog croaking beyond her window. They were on, like, the fourth or fifth floor or something and that sound had been crystal clear. Could frogs climb up stone walls? Hartmann didn't know, and all of a sudden she wished she did.

"Ribbit."  
>Oh god there it was again, this time louder. Quaking with fear, she slipped out of bed and dug under the stack of dirty clothes and food wrappers near it until she found what she was looking for. In the dim moonlight, she quickly dug through worn shirts, panties, an empty ammo clip, a few vinyl records, a pair of Perrine's tights, some candy wrappers, and some more panties until finally… Her P38 side arm, with a full magazine. The safety was off, which <em>could <em>have been dangerous had someone stepped on the pile of stuff, but that didn't matter now.

Trude stirred in her bed a little bit, muttering in her sleep. "Clean gun make happy gun…and happy gun…make happy Gertrud."

God made humans and frogs. Samuel Colt made them equal.

But could a 9mm bullet actually kill a frog? Erica didn't know that either and it didn't really seem like something she'd want to have to experiment with. Wait, she had her MG 42 in the hangar next to her Striker units and that thing could shoot down Neuroi like they were made of tissue paper…instead of being made out of whatever it was they were made out of. Just what WERE Neuroi made of? Oh the joys of fighting an enemy that you had literally no intelligence on.

Pistol in hand, Hartmann crept through the base for the second time that night, ready to fire at anything that hopped or ribbited. She really hoped that someone like Lucchini didn't secretly go around acting like a frog in the middle of the night. Accidentally shooting Lucchini was what Hartmann considered as being pretty high up on her list of 'worst things I could possibly do'.

Speaking of Lucchini, Hartmann actually saw her in the hangar, sleeping on a steel rafter above for some reason or another. She wasn't perched like a frog, ribbiting, or hopping, so Hartmann didn't have to give her a 9mm vaccination. In fact, she didn't really feel like shooting _any _of her friends for that matter. It didn't take her long to find her friend the MG 42, and she stuck the pistol in the waistband of her panties so she could carry it. She flicked off the safety of her acquired machine gun and carried it back to her room, feeling just a little more brave. Unbeknownst to her, about fifty years later, the act of carrying around loaded firearms in the waistbands of underwear with the safety catch off would actually become a trend. Only in places like downtown Miami, but still a trend nonetheless.

_**Part Three: Two Girls, One Machine Gun**_

At this point though, sleep deprivation was starting to rear its tired head and Hartmann wasn't thinking too clearly; and perhaps thinking _too much_. She realized that frogs were quick and often attacked in numbers. If they got the drop on her while she was sleeping, she probably wouldn't have enough to time to even raise the heavy machine gun. This was why snipers worked in teams though, because one always had the others back.

She held her machine gun in one hand and stepped silently over to where Barkhorn was sleeping, and whispered, "Trude."

No reply. The girl was fast asleep. Hartmann didn't give up, this time a little louder, "Truuude."

Barkhorn stirred ever so slightly, but was still well asleep. Sighing, Erica began poking Trude's cheek as hard as she could, "Trude Trude Trude Trude Trude Trude Trude Trude Trude Trude…"

Barkhorn's eyes shot wide open, accenting the deep circles now under them. She sat up and yawned, blinked, and was too tired to bother covering her bare chest. "H-Hartmann? Is it time to get up? No, you're up before me. That's impossible."

"Can I sleep with you?" Hartmann asked, putting on her puppy dog face. It matched her familiar's aspects quite well. Wait, no this was based off the anime so they didn't have the animal manifestation of familiars because _Strike Witches _continuity didn't exist.

"This is new." Trude blinked in surprise, but saw Erica's lower lip quivering. She didn't understand why in the world Hartmann would ask something like this, so she asked, "Uh, any particular reason why you want to share this single person bed with me when you have your own perfectly good one?"

"I'm scared!" She admitted in a high whisper. That surprised Barkhorn even more, since Hartmann had never shown fear against anything. In a normal situation she would have dismissed her and scolded her for crossing the line that separated her part of the room, but her sleepy mind saw this situation in a different light. No longer was Hartmann standing over her, but instead was the blurry image of her little sister, Chris, who had woken up from a bad dream. Poor little Chris who needed her big sister to keep her warm and safe against the nightmares that plagued what should have been a peaceful sleep.

Trude smiled, now a little delirious and still half asleep. "Oh, you don't even need to ask!"

With that, she scooted over to make room and Hartmann slid into bed holding her loaded gun like a teddy bear. Erica felt it a bit odd that Barkhorn hadn't said no, scolded, or even thrown a book at her for the unusual request. The clean sheets of the bed were surprisingly comfortable, and it made up for the fact that there was little room between them. Or no room at all with the machine gun included.

After only a few minutes, Barkhorn's sleepy bliss began to dissipate as Hartmann stole the entirety of the blanket and she felt something metal and cold against her back. Trude's eyes shot wide open again, and she reached behind her to feel the familiar touch of a machine gun. It then dawned on her as to just what was going on.

"_HARTUMANN!_" She shouted as she bolted up right, yanking the blanket from her blonde bed mate. In the brief minutes she had been in bed there, Erica had somehow managed to wiggle out of her nightwear and was naked completely. As if that weren't enough, sitting there was her MG 42 between them; loaded and deadly like an angry Taiwanese prostitute. Trude's jaw dropped, and the urge to beat her friend's face in rose sharply. Wisdom may have been her dump stat, but that didn't stop her from having a high will saving throw, so she didn't pummel Hartmann.

"Five more minutes…" Hartmann moaned, grabbing Trude's only pillow and burying it under her head. The older Witch grabbed it and threw it across the room.

"No, get the hell out of my bed!" She picked up the MG 42 as well. "Why is this even here anyway?"

Unthinkingly, she tossed it onto the floor, and the heavy weapon fired off three shots into the ceiling. Barkhorn shouted in surprised, and fell out of the bed, her heart rate matching the firing rate of that very weapon. Clutching on the bed post, breathing deep, she shouted again, "Hartmann! Get out and take your stupid gun with you!"

Hartmann yawned, "...But I'm sleepy and frogs."

"You're frogs?" Barkhorn's eye twitched, and her voice was now a growl that was scarier than any Neuroi, "Get…out…of…this…room…"

"B-but!" The blonde Witch stammered, quickly putting her clothes on.

"GET OUT!" That last scream was what Hartmann took as the final warning to leave. She scrambled out the door, heading for the hanger with her machine gun so that she could sleep with Lucchini maybe. Lucchini would appreciate her frog defense plan.

Meanwhile a fully flustered and awake Trude stomped towards the shelf on her side of the room to help herself to a midnight snack so she could calm down more efficiently. Some chocolate truffles always made her feel better, hitting that sweet spot on her tongue oh so perfectly. Hartmann may have been the worst roommate of all time with her messy antics and sometimes dragging in the radio to play polka at a volume that made angels weep and birds die; but at least she didn't…

No, wait, _she did_.

"She ate my truffles…" Trude whimpered, almost too stunned to speak.

_**Part 4: Stoking the Flames**_

"Does Hartmann seem a little off to you?" Charlotte Yeager asked her best pal, Lucchini, at the breakfast table. It was just after eight AM and the 501st were gathered that morning for a hearty Fuso breakfast cooked up by none other than Yoshika herself. Yummy rice, nato beans that were only _sort of_ rotten by Perrine's standards, and some refreshing coffee and orange juice. Lucchini was banned from coffee because it would stunt her growth, or at least that's what she was told.

"A little," Lucchini replied between bites of food, and then further explained. "She was sleeping up on the rafters in the hangar with me this morning. That's not normal, nobody does that. Ever."

The person in question was falling asleep in their bowl of rice, after not getting more than two hours of sleep that night since sleeping on a metal girder was uncomfortable to say the least. Surprisingly, she was up with everyone else, so Barkhorn could not complain. Whispers got around to Eila about the late night gun firing shenanigans of the Karlsland ace, and she desperately tried to stifle giggles and laughter at the mayhem she had inadvertently caused. This development troubled the senior witches, Sakamoto and Minna, when they learned what Hartmann had done that night.

Just out of earshot of the breakfast table, Sakamoto crossed her arms and spoke, "You heard the gunshots and screams last night?"

"Yes," Minna nodded, her face grim and worried. "Hartmann is a nice girl, and I am scared for her. What do you think happened? Nobody was hurt, but I'm still worried."

"I've seen this before," Mio said. "Mounting stress against a deadly enemy in countless battles is starting to take effect on her. I was afraid this would happen to any of our girls… what should we do?"

The commander frowned. "Officers in Karlsland know a way to help young soldiers in times like these." She saw the look on Sakamoto's face, then waved her arms in defense, "No, that's not what I'm saying! I mean prescription pills. Pervitin."

"Is that safe to give to a girl her age?" The major asked.

"Studies say it is," Commander Minna replied confidently. From what she had heard, pervitin was perfectly safe, and totally not meth. Definitely not meth. It also made soldiers into complete and utter bad ass warriors, but was reserved for only special cases. Did I mention that it wasn't meth? It was a completely safe multivitamin pill and even Suomus used it. Juutilainen had met people who used it and they were total party people with yellowed teeth, uncontrollable twitches, and absolutely no fear or muscle coordination. But it wasn't meth.

"You're sure?" Mio pressed, not really wanting to give Hartmann drugs.

Minna nodded, not really sure. "If things get bad, I'll recommend them to her."

_**Part Five: The Investigation of Erica Hartmann**_

__Four days had passed since Hartmann's scare with frogs, and she was beginning to mellow out. At one point Commander Minna had offered her these pills in case she felt just 'a little too upset' or 'needed an upper to get through the day'. She assumed that the brass was just giving them out to everyone and thought nothing of it as she went about her daily routine. Besides the thing with the frogs, she felt fine, and wouldn't take any of that stuff. It was odd that day; she wandered into the meeting room out of boredom and found three of her friends sitting around reading books. That didn't look exciting, but she wondered what they were all up to.

When asked about what she was reading, Perrine haughtily replied with, "_A Midsummer Night's Dream_, a sophisticated piece of work that I doubt someone like you could quite comprehend. You'd be better off reading whatever Yoshika is occupying herself with."

Ignoring her offhanded insult, Hartmann went to see what Eila was reading while thinking about Perrine. '_Oh, when angry she is keen and shrewd! She was a vixen when she went to school; and though she be but little, she is fierce.'_

Looking over Eila's shoulder, she saw her reading a thick novel full of boring words, with a news paper clipping of a cartoon comic laying near her; presumably used as a book mark. Finding that far more interesting, Hartmann grabbed it and went to see what it was. It was a Mickey Mouse comic, except in this Mickey Mouse was attempting suicide with a shotgun. That Walt Disney guy had more problems than he let on.

"Watcha readin'?" She looked over Eila's shoulder.

"_Shadow Over Innsmouth_." The white haired witch shrugged, turning another page, "Pretty interesting stuff. Lovecraft is a pretty proficient writer. Even I understand maybe a third of what he's trying to say."

"Is it a true story?" Erica then asked.

Eila just glared at her, then smiled slightly. "Um…yes. Yes it is."

"That means it's boring." Hartmann frankly stated, knowing that for being a fact. Yoshika was the only one left, and she couldn't help but wonder just what the little Fuso girl would be into reading. A cook book maybe? If it were a cook book, Hartmann wondered if they had information on how to properly kill and cook frogs. Come to think of it, there were plenty of books lying around and maybe one of them would have something on dealing with frogs. She wandered over to Yoshika and asked, "Readin' anything good?"

"Yes!" Yoshika happily answered, smiling as she held up the book _Horton Hatches the Egg _by Dr. Seuss_. _"I just finished it, and it was really fun. Do you want to read it too?"

Hartmann gave her a serious face and nodded, knowing that frogs laid eggs. On the cover of the book was an elephant sitting on a tree that was bending under its weight. She was instantly perplexed by this, and the way the pale elephant contrasted so much against the dystopian green background atop that rotting tree. The story was frankly one of the most upsetting things she had ever read, where a brave hero is mocked and tormented by the general population for just doing his job. Not only that, but he is taken as a prisoner of war, then left to die by the one who gave him the assignment in the first place. She was nearly in tears by the end when Mayzie the horrible death bird left Horton the brave elephant to perish in the hands on the circus men, and then was laughing aloud from relief when the egg hatched; revealing an elephant bird and Horton was returned to the jungle with his new hybrid child. It was easily the most moving piece of fiction she had ever read. Dr. Seuss was a literary genius who portrayed the characters in such a way that Hartmann couldn't help but be deeply moved by their struggles.

Something stood out to her though; the lack of frogs in it. All the jungle creatures ridiculed the absurd sight of seeing an elephant in a tree, _except _frogs. Every other a jungle animal that Hartmann knew was there, but yet those slimy amphibious bastards were nowhere to be seen. Did they not have souls and couldn't laugh? Is that what the message of the book was about?

Eila seemed to know about frogs, so she put the book down and strode back over to the white haired fortune teller, "Eila, Eila, why aren't there any frogs in _Horton Hatches the Egg_?"

"What?" She looked up from her book, raising an eyebrow.

"There were no frogs in the jungle and frogs live in the jungle so therefore that book is either factually incorrect or trying to convey a deeper message about the dangers of frogs!" Hartmann quickly and desperately explained.

Eila knew what this was about, and had to stifle the laughter rising in her tummy. Erica was still stuck on the frogs from the other night. This was too good; she never thought her spontaneous prank could have taken off the ground like that. Thinking quickly, she thought of a way to escalate it further somehow. Luck was on her side, and she improvised best she could, "Hartmann, know how I said this book was nonfiction?"

"Mhm." Hartmann nodded.

"Well, you see, it explains the soulnessness of frogs, or more importantly their true nature." She said in the bleakest voice she could mutter, "This book describes a threat greater than frogs that is looming on the horizon. Your fortunes proved it to be true."

"What's worse than frogs?" Erica shivered, prompting Perrine to eye her down from the other side of the room.

Eila flipped a few pages back and read aloud, "But for all of their monstrousness they were not unfamiliar to me. I knew too well what they must be—for was not the memory of that evil tiara at Newburyport still fresh? They were the blasphemous fish-frogs of the nameless design—living and horrible—and as I saw them I knew also of what that humped, tiaraed priest in the black church basement had so fearsomely reminded me. Their number was past guessing. It seemed to me that there were limitless swarms of them—and certainly my momentary glimpse could have shown only the least fraction. In another instant everything was blotted out by a merciful fit of fainting; the first I had ever had."

"Is that saying…?" Hartmann was too afraid to finish her sentence.

"Yes…" Eila nodded, "This book is a journal detailing the events of the only man ever known to survive the horror of… _anthropomorphic frog people_!"

Perrine marched down from her seat with loud stomps, yanking the book away from Eila. She shook her head in a haughty gesture, "Honestly Hartmann, you don't seriously believe anything this girl is saying, do you?"

Hartmann enthusiastically nodded.

That prompted a heavy sigh from the blonde witch with the longer hair, who had glasses and wasn't Hartmann, "Figure it out! Juutilainen is just trying to mess with you for fun. None of this stuff about frogs or anthropomorphic frog people is true. Look, that book there is written by H.P. Lovecraft, a _fiction_ writer."

Eila instantly went on the defensive, knowing there was still fun to be had from this, "Hey, hey, hey, why would your dear Auntie Eila lie to you? Besides, Perrine is saying stuff that I would expect to hear from an anthropomorphic frog person. Tell me Hartmann, do you sleep with a gun?"

"S-Sometimes…" She admitted, since they were in a war and stuff.

"Sleep with it all the time." Eila ordered, giving Perrine an evil eye, "And watch out for this one, who _knows_ what she's up to."

"Just what are you implying?" Perrine demanded.

Eila nudged Hartmann with her elbow, "Sounds like something an anthropomorphic frog person would say, doesn't it? Hey, where are you going?"

"To find that old encyclopedia!" Hartmann replied, running off to go find that old encyclopedia. She needed some more information on frogs and anthropomorphic frog people to see if this was really a threat or not. If Eila was just pulling her leg, this would be the best way for her to find out. Those two books had supported it, so she was definitely worried. Running the whole way, she went into her room, plowed past Barkhorn to get her reading glasses (which hadn't been touched since they were even moved there), and then went to find someone who would know where that encyclopedia was. The first person she found was Lucchini, on her way from somewhere to go do something that was currently unimportant to the story.

"You want to know where that big book is?" Lucchini repeated the question to provide exposition.

Hartmann nodded, her eyes strained by the glasses. How her sister went around wearing them like a boss was beyond her, because wearing them made her feel dizzy.

The insert descriptor about Lucchini such as her black hair witch shrugged, "I dunno. What are you trying to look up?"

"Frogs."

Lucchini would have laughed, but Hartmann had kept her awake that other night when she tried to share that metal rafter in the hanger. The blonde Witch had taken up her entire blanket when she laid up there with the MG 42. During that night, she was muttering something about frogs and Trudie's Truffles. Lucchini thought maybe she was trying to be romantic, but didn't try to make a move towards Hartmann because she was holding a loaded machine gun with the safety off. That and Lucchini wasn't particularly romantically interested in Hartmann to begin with. Sure, Lucchini wouldn't reject her, but she certainly wouldn't ever make the first move, or even really fantasize about her.

So instead she replied with a friendly, "What do you want to know about them?"

"Where they live, how smart they are, if they can use guns, if they can use Striker units, if they're aligned with the Neuroi, if they can read my thoughts, if they can be child actors, if they spit poison, if they can climb up walls, if they can come in the form of anthropomorphic frog people that can do all the aforementioned, some of it, or none of it at all but are still deadly." Hartmann told her all in one breath.

Lucchini stroked her chin: _Her_ chin, not Hartmann's, but _hers_ in a gesture of thinking. If she had stroked Hartmann's chin that way, then the whole exchange between them would have been odd. After thinking for a moment, answered, "I don't know any of that! Not even the part about whether they can be child actors or not, and that's pretty much my field of expertise right there. Hmm, why do you want to know all this anyway?"

"Because anthropomorphic frog people are trying to kill me," she answered.

"Huh," Lucchini was a lot less surprised by that statement than she felt she should be. "That sounds pretty bad. You better tell Minna about this. She'll know what to do."

"I need to find that book first though."

"Right, you do..." Lucchini thought again for a moment, doing that chin stroking gesture thing again, "Maybe Trude would know where it is. She likes boring things."

"You're right!" Hartmann exclaimed, thinking that she was right. Trude had a whole row of boring books about boring things written by boring people for boring readers. Books were usually boring, but they often times contained knowledge and stuff that even Hartmann didn't know. Like _Horton Hatches the Egg_ for example. Before reading that, she didn't know that an elephant could fertilize an egg and create a hybrid of itself with a bird. Plus she didn't know that elephants could sit on an egg while weighing 11,000 kilograms. She wondered if she could sit on an egg and hatch a smaller version of herself that was part bird. Maybe that was how Marseille came to be, since her familiar was that of an eagle. That sitting on an egg thing was a good idea though, and she would totally do that on Trude's bed. Not her own of course, because eggs were messy and hard to clean up.

On the way there, Charlotte and Lynette had greeted her as her sister after seeing the glasses.

She found Trude doing one handed pull ups in her underwear in their room; rivulets of sweat dripping down her slim, muscular body. Hartmann was impressed; she was catering to like six different fetishes right there. Seven when she saw that Trude's toes were _slightly curled_. Since she was thoroughly not gay for Barkhorn, she decided against pulling her panties down or giving her a friendly swat on the bottom. She had read somewhere that sexual harassment was grounds to get court marshaled those days, and being in trouble sucked. Although, there were multiple soldiers she shared the base with that were firmly unaware of this law. Luckily, her lack of chest size kept her safe from groping, Romangan hands.

"Trude." Hartmann got her attention by tickling of those sweat coated, fetish inducing feet her roommate so proudly owned. Being somewhat ticklish, the sweaty warrior instantly yelped and kicked outward, delivering a swift foot to Hartmann's forehead. She instantly leaped down from her bar, frantically apologizing.

"I'm so sorry Hartmann, are you alright? You know how I am about people tickling me, and surprising me!"

Erica rubbed her forehead, hardly phased, "Yeah, I'm fine. You kick hard though. Harder than I remember."

"That's hard work and training paying off." Barkhorn proudly puffed her chest out. She was silently thankful that it had only been her feet that had been so cruelly tickled. Had it been her sides, she probably would have fallen off the bar, burst out into hysterical laugher, and more than likely peed herself. She told herself it was 'more than likely' even though it had happened every single time her vulnerable thighs had been molested by wiggling fingers. It was a secret few knew about her, and she liked to keep it that way. On the bright side, there was little strategic advantage to knowing that secret in battle. For the Neuroi at least, since they couldn't tickle. Thank god for small miracles!

"Have you seen the encyclopedia around anywhere?" Hartmann asked.

"Yeah," Barkhorn frowned, looking a little upset, "Remember? I threw it at you the other day when you wouldn't get up. You've been using it as a pillow."

So _that_ was why she had woken up with word 'opedia' red on her cheek. Another mystery solved by Detective Hartmann. With this knowledge in hand, she let Barkhorn get back to her sweaty pull ups and other fan service activities. She instantly sat down at her sleeping area place that wasn't quite a bed, and began reading up on frogs and just what they were capable of. Glasses on face, book on lap, pistol in hand, she took in everything she could.

The black and white photos there were frankly terrifying. Wide, cold, unfeeling eyes attached to disgusting alien bodies stared back at her. Their large toe pads were apparently made for crawling, hopping, and swimming, but Hartmann knew they were the perfect fit to wrap around someone's neck. To her, if these things were just a little bit bigger, and anthropomorphic, they would make the _perfect_ killing machines. Forensic sciences weren't all that reliable, so they could get away with murder easily, leaving absolutely no evidence. When she walked outside around the base, she could sometimes hear frogs croaking back and forth to one another. According to that book, that was how frogs sounded their mating calls, but Hartmann knew what it really was. It was them planning, planning to attack. She needed to do something about this!

Speaking of attack, she had to ask, "Hey Trude, do the sewers under Rome lead out here?"

"I…think so…" Barkhorn had to think for a moment, "I think some of the ancient cisterns and aqueducts reach out here, and they connect together somewhere. Why do you want to know?"

"Because sewers would be easy for anthropomorphic frog people to travel through underground." Her eyes went wide as a sudden realization dawned on her, "Wait, I think I understand everything now! That tarot card was wrong; it wasn't foreseeing _my_ death, but the death of anthropomorphic frog people at my hands! Since they live underground, they're safe from the Neuroi attacks and I bet the Neuroi are working with them. We're prepared for Neuroi, but not anthropomorphic frog people, so they could slip in and attack when we're not ready. Trude, get your stuff, we have to go to Rome and find out where they're living!"

Barkhorn was stepping towards the door, ready to go take a nice bath and wash the sweaty sweat from her sweaty sweat covered body. Before leaving, she said in a simple, slightly condescending tone, "There's no society of anthropomorphic frog people living in the sewers, Hartmann. You're just being paranoid."

_**Part Six: Making Plans for Frog People**_

Several more days had passed, and Hartmann compiled more information and theories on anthropomorphic frog people…

"If I had known you liked reading so much, I would have ordered some books in this shipment too," Commander Minna remarked as she saw Hartmann reading that book she had borrowed from Juutilainen, _Shadow over Innsmouth_. She was impressed, that was quite the literary nightmare that Erica was reading through. Was it the pervitin that was making her so interested in more refined hobbies? Minna didn't know, but if it was, then maybe she should have everyone take it.

"Mhm." Hartmann wasn't really paying attention; because she was too busy studying the history of ancient Roman catacombs from a book. They were at the morning breakfast table, and more than one Witch was put off by Hartmann's sudden academic interest.

Minna stood at the end of the table, and got everyone's attention by tapping a spoon against a wine glass. Trude had tried doing that once, but the glass broke.

"Alright everyone, Shirley and Lucchini, as you know, are going to be driving into Rome to pick up some things we weren't able to have delivered by air. Our Intel suggests that there won't be any Neuroi activity for at least a week, so if anyone else wants to go, speak up now."

Hartmann instantly raised her hand, "Me! Me! Let me go too!"

"I'm glad to see such enthusiasm," Minna smiled. "In fact, maybe I should go too since I don't have much paper work lined up. Trude, would you like to come too."

"Not particularly." The brown haired Witch shrugged. She was kind of upset about finding a bunch of smashed eggs in her bed the other day.

"Oh come on, you could use the vacation," Minna urged her.

Trude shook her head, "If the Neuroi attack and we're not ready, I don't want five us to be gone."

Eila, who was sitting two seats down, rolled her eyes. "Thanks for having some confidence in us."

It was then Hartmann who urged Trude to go as well, "No Trudie, you _have _to come with me! I _need _you!"

Two witches stood a better chance against anthropomorphic frog people.

"What? Why?" Barkhorn was just a little confused.

"Uhh, you'll see. It's important though!"

"Could you be anymore vague?" Trude raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Thanks for the offer, but no, it's too irresponsible. Not to mention I'm actually pretty pissed at you, Hartmann, for breaking eggs all over my bed."

"I said I was sorry," Hartmann pouted.

Minna walked from her place at the front of the table and stood behind Barkhorn. She placed her hands on the brown haired Witches shoulder in an almost motherly way. "You feel pretty tense right now. What you need is a nice relaxing getaway in Rome. The three of us could have a night out, go sight-seeing, visit a bathhouse and forget all the war politics for just a little while."

Every other witch in the room was now jealous, except for Sakamoto who closely shared Barkhorn's sentiments, Trude relaxed just a bit, sighing. "Well, _maybe_ a short leave could do me some good. As long as those two don't cause any trouble."

She pointed at Lucchini and Hartmann, who put on their best innocent faces. It was decided, the five of them would leave the next morning, putting Sakamoto in charge of the base while Minna was gone. The Karlsland witches were showered with claims of envy over how they got to take a mini vacation. Minna had cleverly made it so Lucchini was given very little in the ways of pocket change, as to prevent any mishaps like last time. It was scary thinking about what would have happened of the Duchess hadn't provided them with plenty of supplies after Lucchini somehow spent _all _the food money. Sakamoto thought back on that situation and was reminded of some of the Fuso air bases on the remote islands in the Pacific, where supplies couldn't be shipped as easily. Life for those soldiers was miserly, and it could have very well gone the same way for them if those supplies from the Duchess hadn't come in.

Later that day, Barkhorn took it upon herself to run a lap or seven around the base to burn off those calories from breakfast. Just because she could lift fucking eight hundred kilograms over her head, didn't excuse her from working to maintain a figure. It was a breezy, sunny day that was perfect for a work out. At one point she passed the major swinging her sword at imaginary targets like a total boss. It really was a perfect day for working out, and that was further emphasized when Barkhorn heard someone else's foot falls behind her, jogging as well.

She turned around and was a little more than surprised when she saw who was trailing her, "H-Hartmann?"

"You run too fast!" The blonde witch whined, panting, and struggling to keep up with her.

"Finally taking it upon yourself to train harder?" Trude was hopeful, but at the same time entirely doubtful.

"No, that's dumb," Hartmann contently shattered her hopes. "I came after you to ask a favor."

"I'm not really sure you're in the position to be asking _anything_ of me right now with the way you've been acting," Trude growled, picking up her pace just a little bit.

Erica struggled to keep up, calling after her. "Wait, it's important! I need to go into the sewers to find the anthropomorphic frog people and stop whatever they're up to. You need to come with me in case it gets too dangerous."

"No Hartmann, that's stupid! Like, really, _really_ stupid! You're already in trouble with the brass for your sloppy habits and other stunts, so the last thing you need is a citation for wandering around in the sewers looking for mythological creatures."

"But-"

"No buts! At the very least you'd be suspended from flying for going down on your little quest, or even demoted if you bring a weapon with you. While that apparently doesn't bother you any, I would prefer if my wingman is actually able to spread her wings! So get off this frog people thing and don't do anything to ruin this trip!"

_**Part Seven: An Unexpected Ally**_

__The ride there certainly wasn't pleasant for Hartmann or Barkhorn, but Lucchini sure loved it as much as an anthropomorphic frog person loved murder, which was plenty to say the least. As a precautionary measure, the two Karlsland witches crammed in the back of the truck had brought their Striker units along just in case; their Striker units along with their arsenal of weaponry. After going through that hellish mountain trip with Shirley at the wheel, and Minna riding shot gun, they finally made it to paved road and the trip mellowed out. While Miyafuji had no problems fitting in there during the last drive, adding one more person made it crowded. Hartmann and Lucchini happily sat at the rear, enjoying the ride, while Barkhorn was sitting quietly in the shadows getting thrown around, ending up with both MG 151s falling on top of her.

As they rode smoothly into the city, Hartmann found this to be the perfect time to ask Lucchini a question. "You know a lot about Rome, right?"

"I know _everything_ about Rome," Lucchini boasted.

"Even the basic layout of ancient catacombs as to which anthropomorphic frog people could use to get around?"

Lucchini proudly nodded. "Oh yeah, you bet! I know how to get into those creepy tunnels beneath the sewers! I'm not allowed to go down there anymore by law after what happened with all those chickens when I was little. I should tell you about that sometime, it's also how I met my familiar."

"While that sounds like quite the insane misadventure, it will have to wait until later." Hartmann replied.

Barkhorn crawled out of her corner and moved up to them. "Wait, you're not still serious about this are you?"

"I am." Hartmann was stubborn.

"Look, I get that you're paranoid and all that, but did you listen to anything I said yesterday?"

Erica smiled. "Nope!"

Barkhorn heaved a heavy, growling sigh. "If you're not going to listen to reason, at least do me one favor. If by chance, you actually get it in your head to wander around the catacombs like an idiot, bring me along to."

"You want to help me fight frog people?" Hartmann smiled.

"No," Trude was exceedingly blunt with that. "No, I want to make sure you do get yourself killed or lost. I have a decent sense of direction and can make us an exit if anything goes wrong. Both of us getting in trouble is a lot better than you winding up hurt or lost."

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_

_Will Hartmann's fears be neutralized under the power of reason? Are the Neuroi really in league with an underground society of amphibious humanoids? Or, most importantly, what kind of trouble will poor Trudie get dragged into?_

_Read on next time to find out on THE INSANE MISADVENTURES OF THE FIVE O' FIRST!_

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